9/21 - the hardest moment
This entry is supposed to touch on a moment i was scared. I think back and wonder which of the moments of my life to I touch on?
The moment I ran away from home and didn't know what I was going to do?
The moment I eloped?
The moment I found out I was pregnant?
What about during labor when i passed out the second time?
Or, the fact that I was raped so much I numbed myself to it?
How about the moment when I was forced to go to sex parties and left alone with strangers?
What if I talk about the moment my daughter needed to a forensic exam because I wasn't sure if she had been violated?
What about the times I went through my depression and was close to killing myself?
So many scary moments, so many times have I felt lost. So many times I just wanted to give up.
This entry is about none of those but of my gypsy queen, my Mama Nena.
It was a cold January night, it was a full house; my parents, my daughter, my grandmother, and my sister was going to be staying the night too. We had an early dinner, and my parents were going to go to the market because they didn't have a chance to go earlier. My mother had asked my mama nena if she wanted to go, but that restless woman didn't want to. She wanted to watch her novelas, it was around that time of night when they were starting. I remember having to turn on the TV and changing the channel for her. I got my daughter ready for bed and it was before her bedtime, but she was tired still from the weekend she had with her dad and it was a school night. She was having some separation issues sleeping in her own bed, so I would spoon her till she would sleep and most of the time I would fall asleep with her in my arms before a mid-night wake up to transfer her to her own bed. That night like most I fell asleep with my daughter in my arms.
My sister came back from crossfit as I was putting my daughter to bed.
I woke up an hour later hearing the screams of my sister, she kept calling her name. (I can't describe what my sister went through, she doesn't really like to speak of it, and neither do I; but this is my experience and how I remember)
Hearing her voice I jumped up. I fell to the ground as I got off the bed, my legs were tangled with the blankets. I tried to untangle myself and fell a couple more times. I was still disheveled when I opened my room door, my daughter still asleep (she's a very light sleeper). I saw my parents TV was on from across the hall way with the light. But her name was coming from the next room over, from the restroom in our hallway. I turned to see what was going on. There she was, head tilted back, mouth crooked and open. Hands fallen to her sides reaching as low as they could to the ground. Her eyes, slightly open. My heart racing, instant panic. Tears streaming down my face, I don't know how I got to my parents room but my sister is there, telling me to call the ambulance, I hear the cracks in hear her breaking heart through a masked voice, I can't breathe and I am panicking, I tell her I can't. She's trying hard to stay hard. She reaches for the the phone, I can't remember. I am back in the restroom and they 911 operator is one the phone telling us to try and resuscitate her. [I was CPR certified I can do this, I remember the class] That's what I told myself. I was breathing again between my panicking moments. I picked her up like she was my baby and placed her on the ground, soft and gentle. We lifted her pants up. I knew this would be my last time embracing her. As I cradled her against me the smell of her was replaced with a foreign one. The person on the phone said to resuscitate her, so I did what I remember. My gypsy queen, I am sorry for hurting you, as I did my best, to try and save you I hurt you. I remember hearing the cracking of your ribs. It sounded like a room full of people typing angry complaints.
As the firemen arrived I just remember telling them to watch their volume because I didn't want my daughter to wake up, the two of them were very close and I didn't want her to remember seeing my queen on the floor like that.
They swept the floor from bathroom to living room with her body. I grew anger with these men as they cut open her shirt and bra, I heard the ribs break more. My mother came home, she quickly became hysterical, even though she denies it.
The firemen had brought a small pulse as they left for the hospital, but I knew that was my final moments with her.
During this whole time, my daughter had stayed asleep. A full house was I was then left alone, the gravity in the house was heavier. I waited for a message on what was going on. I started laundry and washed all the dishes. There was nothing left to do but wait. I waited all night to see my phone light up. I crawled back into my bed and held my daughter a little tighter not knowing what was to come or how I would tell her.
That night I was robbed of peace, love, and sleep. Death is cruel. This was the scariest moment in my life that I have experienced. Although I was not their at the hospital being home waiting was a torture, thankfully my sister started communicating with me later in the night and this was my scariest heartbreaking moment.
Thank you for taking the time to look at my site and reading my story.