2/21 - FEAR
today i am asked to write about what i am afraid of, where these feelings come from and if my expectations are realistic based on my abilities....
in all honest, i am afraid of a lot of things, this is a very hard thing i think for anyone to acknowledge because everyone puts on the face of "confidence". i am afraid being happy. happiness is my biggest fear in life, when i feel that things are finally going great in life and i feel genuinely happy something usually comes and effects my life badly. when i realize i am happy i get anxious and become fearful because i don't want to get hurt, i don't want things to go bad. most of the time in my life if i'm not with my daughter i prefer to be alone, i prefer to do things on my own. because that way i don't get let down and i don't get to close to people. a lot of the times some of my friends don't understand why i work so hard on working on myself.
i was in an abusive relationship for a few years, i do not talk about it with people and a lot of the times i cry to myself that it happened. when i am happy i hear his words being said "you will never be happy, stop trying to get more out of your life."
i am in a far better place than when he and i were together yet fear takes a huge toll on me a lot more now than ever before. it's strange to look back and reflect on these past years and see how much my life has changed.
my happiness encompasses a lot. here are the things that make me happy and i am always afraid of loosing or failing:
my daughter: i am happy with her always, i fear that i won't be the hero she deserves. that one day she will look back and think i'm less than she believed. i don't want my life to be a let down for her. her future is very important to me, i fear that i am not doing all i can do to help her out to prepare herself to be a strong and independent woman she is meant to grow into.
my writing: i am happy when i write, i am afraid of sharing my writing. surprised? i use social media as an avenue to get over my fear. people tell me constantly that they enjoy my writing but i am afraid that my book that i am currently working on will not be a sales success. that people will realize that i don't really know what i'm doing when it comes to poetry and i kinda just jumping and hoping i land on my feet somewhere safely.
self love: i am happy with myself when i am being productive. i push myself to hard too much. i fear of failing and not living up to my sisters or what my parents expect of my potential. this year, 2017, i have been more selfish with myself and taking the time to really focus on myself and try to improve myself as a person. i am tired of living in fear of being happy. i have an amazing life now compared to before and i need to live in the moment and enjoy. i need to stop self sabotaging.
romance: do i have it...??? will i have it? if i do will i trust? opening up to someone is a scary thing. you wake up and choose to trust someone with your aspirations and fears; the deepest and most intimate things in your mind. and you hope that they hold everything in their hands. that they don't drop anything. that's a lot of trust. i hope that i love unconditionally and growth in a better self happens.
i fear of being happy. but this year i have been working on positive feedback and trying my best to do what is best for myself. this year i have been very selfish in not caring what others think about me or my path, i am happy with what i have accomplished in my life thus far and need to keep pushing myself. i use social media kind of as an outlet to push me to continue. i am working for my first book and cannot wait to see where this leads me to. life is a wonderful adventure and yes there are plenty of ups and downs but i have to embrace the ups and get right back up when there are downs.
sorry for this long and random rant on fear. i did not edit this everything i wrote is what was in my head. no stopping on the writing just first things that popped in i wrote. thank you for taking the time to read my blog. i appreciate all the love and support!
thank you,
Alexandria Espinoza
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